Jimbo Fisher gets $86M if Texas A&M fires him

Jimbo Fisher gets $86M if Texas A&M fires him

Texas A&M has a Jimbo Fisher problem. A colossal, almost unfathomable Jimbo Fisher problem. Arriving in 2018 and heralding greatness, the Aggies have more or less sucked for Fisher’s entire tenure at the school — and 2022 is the greatest failure yet.

Since arriving Fisher has led A&M to a 37-16 record, good enough for bowl games, but not the lofty College Football Playoff dreams the school had when they made him one of the highest paid coaches in college football. Now the Aggies are 3-2, with an embarrassing loss to Appalachian State, and getting blown out by Mississippi State — now facing down Alabama in what’s likely to be another embarrassment.

In most cases it’s here where an athletic program would cut bait, fire the coach, and pivot to the future. However, details have emerged on the absolutely hilarious bag Fisher would get in a buyout, making it prohibitively expensive to ever imagine cutting bait.

The Aggies would need to endure THREE MORE YEARS of Jimbo futility to get his buyout under $50M. If they decided to do it now they would be forced to pay him almost $86M, more than the gross domestic product of the island nation of Tuvalu. I don’t know how this was signed off on, but it was — and it’s absolutely comical.

Now it’s just an effort in how much abuse Jimbo can endure. If he has no shame (and he doesn’t) then he’ll be perfectly happy just to sit and get booed for three years, raking in money, knowing he can build a Scrooge McDuck coin pool at the end.

Obviously this is a sensitive, painful time for Aggies fans and we don’t want to rub it in. So let’s look forward, let’s imagine a different future. Let’s imagine what A&M could spend $86M on instead of firing Jimbo Fisher right now.

Things Texas A&M should buy for $86M instead of paying Jimbo Fisher

Two islands in the Bahamas

For the low price of $50M the Aggies could buy two Bahaman islands and still gave $36M left over. You know what makes everything feel a little better? Getting to go to a private island.

Instead of forcing fans to endure weeks of pain, you fly them out to Bird Cay and Cat Cay and go wild. As an added revenue stream for the school there will be no shelter or amenities, just an empty “fend for yourself” tropical paradise, which we convert into the popular web show “Aggie Island.” Who wouldn’t watch Texas A&M fans struggle to survive in the tropics?

Then, with the revenue the show generates they can kick Jimbo to the curb in 2-3 years. Solves their coaching problem and they have two islands to boot.

— James Dator

33 Miles of highway in Tuscaloosa, Alabama

Because the Aggies care so much about the happenings of football in Tuscaloosa, owning 33 miles of road, say right in the middle of the city, would be the A&M way of dunking on the entire city.

Mind you, nobody in the city of Tuscaloosa would care about this. They’ll shrug their shoulders and move on. But Aggie fans will shout praises and go in guns blazing, because they own the thing Bama fans drive to work on!

— J.P. Acosta

An assassin

I’m not advocating the school should hire a trained killer to end Jimbo Fisher, but I have a feeling it would be a lot cheaper than paying him $86M. In this plan we’s just ask a former special forces officer to scare Fisher enough to leave the state of Texas and never come back. He could vanish into heart of Wyoming, open a modest hardware store, grow a beard and go by the name of Gary Marcus. We’d even have the Aggies give him $10 million slush fund to start his own business. We would never ever suggest that Texas A&M resort to violence. That would be so irresponsible.

— James Dator

Walter White’s entire fortune

Spoiler alert, but if you haven’t watched it at this point it’s kind of your own fault, by Season 5 of Breaking Bad Walter White has amassed a fortune of an estimated $80 million {dollars}, which is hidden away in a storage unit in Albequerque, NM. Instead of paying a washed up football coach to go away, why not help a family man launder his meth money?

Another Nuclear Reactor

As we learned recently, Texas A&M has not one, but TWO, nuclear reactors on campus. Which seems excessive. But down in the SEC it just means more. According to this report, when the University of Texas built their TRIGA Mark II reactor in 1992, it cost $5.8 million. While costs have certainly increased since then, Texas A&M could build another TRIGA Mark II reactor with the money.

Because you know once Texas finishes their move to the SEC they are going to do everything they can to be competitive.

Mark Schofield

The Batgirl Movie That Warner Brothers Shelved

Fans looking forward to a new addition to the DC Extended Universe were disappointed when the Leslie Grace led Batgirl movie was canceled by Warner Brothers in August, despite being nearly finished and ready for release.

I won’t pretend to understand the financial reasons for canceling the release (you know, the part where they make money back) of a movie that has been, by all accounts, pretty much wrapped. However, the reported budget for Batgirl was between $70-90M, meaning you could theoretically buy the rights and release it. The world deserves to see Brendan Fraser as a supervillain.

A stupid NFT

Last year a piece of digital art by someone named Beeple sold for $69,346,250 in a Christie’s auction, immediately making Beeple one of the top 3 most valuable living artists. If you wanted to shell out $70M for a jpeg of rainbow vomit that some have called “a publicity stunt and a scam,” it would probably still be less of a waste than spending it on Jimbo.

An English Football Club

Now, $86 million is not going to get you membership into the Premier League right away. Texas A&M would have to bring an amount to the table with an additional comma to join that exclusive list.

But when you start looking down the lower tiers of English Football, whether in the EFL Championship or down to League One, potential arises. Recent valuations of some clubs, such as Carlisle United, Leyton Orient and Mansfield Town in League Two seem to be options for Texas A&M.

The school could even set their sights a bit lower, and look to compete with Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney. The two actors purchased Wrexham A.F.C. for $2.5 million in November of 2020, and the club is now featured in the docuseries Welcome to Wrexham on FX and Hulu. Perhaps the school could put in a bid for the Dorking Wanderers, or Dagenham & Redbridge, or Aldershot Town, and put together a docuseries of their own.

And win some football games along the way …

Mark Schofield

57,718,120 packages of CVS candy corn ahead of Halloween

Because frankly, if you’re going to pick it sixth overall in a candy draft, you’re going to want a lot of it.

— David Fucillo

Literally anything but 57,718,120 packages of CVS candy corn

I cannot believe that has to be said … but here we are.

Mark Schofield

1,720 Dinners with Jay-Z

The estimated value of a dinner with the greatest rapper alive would be $50,000, though some have (unsuccessfully) argued that this opportunity should be worth far more than that, but with the money Jimbo is making you could literally have dinner with Hov every day for almost five years.

I wouldn’t recommend it though. After the first dinner he’s definitely going to tell you to stop wasting your money talking to him and use it for literally anything else. Well…anything that’s not buying 57,718,120 packages of candy corn.

— Colb Hart

The Kiahuna Golf Course in Koloa, Hawaii

I’m not sure if Jimbo Fisher golfs, but it seems like every coach does. Fisher is no simple man, however. He won’t only want to golf, but buy the entire course.

The Kiahuna Golf course has 18 holes and has a set of luxury hotels that Fisher can use at his leisure. That way, in December while teams are playing in the College Football Playoff, Fisher can unwind at the golf course, because there’s no way in hell he’s making a playoff.

— J.P. Acosta

The entire Attack on Titan Season Four Budget

Jimbo doesn’t strike me as an anime guy. He probably would think Attack on Titan is some convoluted play one of his idiot coordinators thought up. However, if Jimbo were to take a dip into the world of Japanese animation, the Aggies could pay for the entire budget of Attack on Titan Season Four, arguably the best season of anime ever created.

The Aggies would then move the series into modern day Texas, and the titans would be those bitch ass hilljacks from Tuscaloosa. That way, at least Jimbo can beat Alabama in animation.

— J.P. Acosta

Five million copies of Football for Dummies

Maybe Jimbo can learn how to run a modern offense by reading the book.

— J.P. Acosta

About the Author: camille r mercer

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